You’ve probably had the experience of spending time with someone and feeling distant from them. Maybe you even felt alone or lonely when you were with them.
However, that’s no fun. It can be especially challenging when it happens in an intimate relationship or sexual encounter.
While it does take two to tango, it’s also true that it only takes one person to shift the energy of a situation. Through your behavior you can invite the other person into a deeper connection.
These simple strategies are something you can use any time you want to feel more connected with someone whether you’re having coffee, a sexual encounter or even in a meeting with your boss.
First, connect at a heart level
This doesn’t mean that you have to be romantic. Yes, you might be with someone that you want to be or are feeling romantic towards.
That’s not what I’m talking about with connecting at a heart level. What I’m talking about here is the way that you approach that person and your way of being with them.
The first part is having a positive intention for them and toward the experience that you’re having together. Then second, giving that person your full attention.
Even if it’s just for a few short minutes, when you have someone’s full and undivided attention it’s priceless.
I remember a manager that I worked with when I was working in a corporate setting. He was extremely busy – under a lot of pressure and facing many demands. Yet, when one of his staff went to talk with him, he would give them his full attention even if it was just for two or three minutes.
He was very good about really being one hundred percent there with them giving them his attention and as a result he was the most trusted manager in the company. His staff was more loyal and committed than anyone else’s.
Then, of course, if you think about sexual experiences, what other time more than any do we really want to have someone giving us their undivided attention?
Second, look them in the eye
It’s true there are some cultural backgrounds where looking someone in the eye can be perceived as disrespectful. So this may not be for everyone but it is something that in many western thinking cultures can really draw people together.
And even in cultures where eye contact is not something that’s usually done with most people, it’s often something that would be possible to explore with someone in an intimate relationship.
Eye contact doesn’t have to be long. There are people who enjoy long stints of eye gazing. But it really doesn’t need to be anything long or complicated. Meaningful eye contact can be as simple as looking the other person in the eye for two or three seconds and then looking away a little. Then after a moment when you’re ready, looking them in the eye again.
There’s an old saying that the eyes are windows to the soul. And it’s true that eye contact deepens connection. So, make eye contact with the person that you’re wanting to feel more connected with. Try this especially in a sexual setting and you’ll probably find that it will help to draw you closer together.
In a sexual setting it may take a little courage to make eye contact because some people may be experiencing some shame or feeling shy about being naked or it may feel vulnerable.
But by just letting yourself experiment a little with making eye contact, I think you’ll find that it can help draw you closer together.
Third, let go of goals and agendas
When we spend time with people – in any setting and especially during a sexual encounter – it’s very easy to focus on either what can I get out of this or what do I need to do to please my partner.
Instead of that, focus on having an experience together with that person rather than accomplishing something like a certain sexual activity or reaching orgasm. Rather than focusing on that specific goal or planning it out in your mind, let go of the goals and agendas and just focus on being 100% there fully enjoying the experience with that other person.
It only takes you to start deepening intimacy
It only takes one person to move an encounter towards deeper intimacy and connection. So the next time that you want to feel connected more deeply try these three shortcuts. Connect at a heart level with positive intention and full attention. Make eye contact. Let go of any goals or agenda, so you can just be there with them in the present moment.