For many people it’s challenging to have satisfying and fulfilling sex on a regular basis.
Long term relationships can help meet our needs for security and companionship. However, it’s easy for the original attraction to wear off. As the novelty wears off, boredom can set in. Sex is not as rewarding and many of us don’t know how to respond to this in ways that restore and nurture the erotic spark.
A more casual approach to sex may meet our needs for excitement, creativity and new experiences. However, with casual sex partners and even with “friends with benefits” that deeper, soul-satisfying loving connection and companionship can be noticeably missing – unless you have the skills and commitment to create it in these brief encounters.
Even then, in the arena of causal sex, finding people who will meet you in a deep and profoundly intimate way is often hit or miss. The temporary nature of these arrangements can often leave you feeling lonely or unsupported when “life happens” and many of these casual partners don’t stick around during challenging times.
The gift of letting go
Further complicating things, whether you’re in a committed relationship, pursuing casual sex, have consistent friends with benefits, monogamous or not, the stress and details of life can crowd out the time needed to really “let go” in a sexy, playful way.
As wonderful as exciting experiences and erotic adventures can be, sex that is truly satisfying over time is most easily found from creating space in your schedule and energy to be in the moment and experience fully, without it being about a goal or accomplishment.
In most Western-thinking nations, people are taught, scolded and rewarded into being highly focused on accomplishing specific and measurable things.
Working our to do list has become one of our most respected rituals – it’s almost a religion.
Thus, the idea of goal-free sex is not intuitive or the first thing we think of. Yet, the task orientation that may be serve so well at work or in getting household chores done can, over time, be a poison to one’s erotic fulfillment.
The erotic paradox persists
Even when you make plenty of time to be undistracted and fully present during sex, the push-pull of the erotic paradox persists.
We long for stability, consistency and companionship. We want to be deeply seen and known. But that relationship focus also feels limiting. It boxes us in, because we also want adventure playfulness and excitement.
Unfortunately the most common approaches to this erotic paradox have left many people unsatisfied, longing for more and sometimes feeling deep shame.
What can we do about it? Well, to explore that you may like to explore 4 Perspectives on the Erotic Paradox.
You may also like to join the Beyond Intimacy community.