Here’s a question someone recently asked me.
A lot of people seem to be misunderstanding me in online dating sites. One person suggested I travel to visit him in another state for some kinky fun. I was open and suggested some phone conversation to create a friendship and build trust. He then said he’s not into phone sex, which is not what I wanted or suggested.
Another guy whose photos I complimented and had messaged with a bit started to comment how much I must be into one of his biggest fetishes. This was something I had already told him I’m not into, though otherwise there seemed to be matching interests.”
– Confused by online dating
The best way to avoid these problems is to focus on and give priority to live interaction via a coffeeshop meeting, or if the distance is great, by phone or Skype (as long as your phone call is specifically focused on creating friendship and trust not on remote sex).
This is true even if all you want is no strings casual sex. It applies even more if you’re looking for a relationship.
Moving quickly from first contact to a live interaction (in person or by phone) is the single most important thing you can do to make online dating more successful.
This will quickly weed out those who are not actually ready or interested in meeting in person. It will also weed out the flakes and the unrealistic people who assume you can have a perfect hookup or relationship without discussion and negotiation.
Some good people are just not ready to meet in person. They may be too busy with their life, nervous or afraid.
The reality that they are not ready or too busy can be so uncomfortable for some people that they push this outside conscious awareness.
Thus, they may start messaging you and sound legitimate. only to disappear when it comes time to meet in person.
Save time via live interaction
Having a live interaction early on will save you time by weeding out most of these people.
Better to weed them out now then when you show up for a date at a specific time and place only to discover they didn’t show up, and as I hear often happens haven’t even bothered to tell you they’re not coming.
Phone sex might feel good for a few minutes. However, unless it is happening in the context of an existing relationship based on past face to face time, it will do little to help you connect with real people in person – even if you want nothing more than casual sex.
In fact, phone or live video sex can increase your chances of being stood up for dates because you’ll be spending a much larger percentage of your time with people who have no intention of ever meeting face to face.
Also, some people lose interest after they have sex. If you have phone sex they may move on to the next shiny object or some other “fresh meat.”
Watch out for people who only talk with you when horny
There’s a phrase that seems applicable to both the guys you mentioned. You were thinking with the head on your shoulders but these guys were thinking with their “little head” – the one between their legs.
While it’s a humorous way to talk about this, it’s not necessary to be the owner of a penis to do what these guys did. I’ve heard many stories of women doing similar things.
The problem is they are talking with you while they’re horny. If they won’t also then talk with you when they’re not horny, then fun experience in person is much less likely to occur. You can count on that.
Working from messages only, it’s hard to reliably know if someone is talking with you only when they’re horny. It’s much easier to assess this via a live conversation.
The bottom line, these guys were focused on getting off, not on creating a chance to get together in person. Even if they are not actually touching themselves and masturbating while they messaged you they were mentally getting off.
Or, at best, they were not actually ready to get together, and thus engaged in self-sabotaging behavior.
Many people use online dating for reasons other than dating
Truth be told, most people on the online dating sites never intend to actually meet in person. They may have legitimate obstacles in their life – fears, schedule issues, or other relationships that keep them from actually meeting with someone like you.
The problem, however, is they’re just browsing the online dating “store” which has an endless supply of profiles. They’re hoping for something better than they have or just distracting themselves from something stressful in their life. But, they’re not actually prepared to act.
They may think they want to meet with you. Being online and messaging people is a convenient way to lull oneself into thinking you want casual sex or a relationship. For some, it can be a practical way to avoid the personal growth work needed to resolve the problems or issues that are keeping them from meeting live, in person with people.
After all, even for the most casual of encounters it takes a personal commitment to make the changes so that they are no longer held back by fear or working too many hours or worried about someone being angry or jealous they were dating or hooking up with another person.
Stop pursuing people who won’t have a live conversation
If after a few messages, someone doesn’t respond favorably to your offer to genuinely connect live at a coffee shop or by phone, the best thing you can do is move on. Trying to get them to change how they’re interacting with you rarely works.
Trying to get them to change usually does nothing more than make you more frustrated. Sending them an angry message about wasting your time will only make you focus on your unhappiness.
In these situations, the best thing you can do is to act like the cashier at the store when there’s a long line. Say “Next!” and move on.