Sitting where I am, and hearing what I do as a sex and relationship coach, I hear a lot of people, men and women, gay and straight say their partner is sexually ignoring them.
Regardless of gender and sexual orientation, they say pretty much the same thing.
They’re not getting any. “My partner is ignoring me sexually.”
Ask them if they’ve had any kind of conversation about their partner sexually ignoring them, and almost always the answer is “no.”
I get it. For a lot of people, talking about sex is hard.
The truth is that this is a skill that can be developed. It’s a skill that can help you have a more meaningful, lasting relationship.
Years ago I had a life coaching client who only did laundry once a month. He would get overwhelmed and discouraged by the piles of dirty laundry. Just looking at it would make him think unhappy thoughts about how much work it would be to wash his clothes.
If instead, he washed his clothes twice a week, the job would be much easier.
The same principle applies here. If you don’t talk with your partner about sex until something isn’t working out so well, then it’s going to become hard to do. If you start doing it as a routine thing including when it was wonderful, then it becomes a lot easier.
At the risk of being pushy, stop assuming your partner can read your mind and knows what you want. They may just be occupied with life and never have imagined they were sexually ignoring you.
Whether your partner is someone you met 5 minutes ago for casual sex or someone you’ve been married to for 42 years, the fact is they cannot read your mind.
And, everyone changes over time.
Chances are they have no idea that what they’re doing or not doing is causing you a problem.
Get over your ego that is telling you that they don’t love you unless they read your mind and give you what you want sexually without your asking and talking about it.
Talk with them about it.
Frame it in a positive way, like finding ways to be closer and happier by exploring together. That’s much more helpful than if you frame the conversation as being about fixing a problem.
Don’t blame them for sexually ignoring you, because that won’t get you very far, at least not in a helpful direction. Most likely they will be hurt and it will shut down the conversation.
This is important. You could say, ‘I want to have more touch and connection with you. What can I do to help us do that?’ By coming at it from expressing your needs instead of what they’re not doing, you’re more likely to be received positively.
Don’t talk about it during sex. Don’t spring it on them.
Ask to have a conversation about [insert positive motivation, see above] and ask when would be a good time to talk.
Open your heart to this person. You did once or you would never have gotten in a relationship with them. You can do it again.
Of course, if the relationship or marriage is already seriously damaged due to a lack of honesty and positive communication, then a conversation or two will only be a beginning rather than fixing everything that’s not working.
However, talking about your sexual needs and listening to theirs and getting creative together is an important way to prevent your relationship from going stale and becoming sexless.
Sure, there are better and worse ways to talk about sex. Most important is that you open the conversation and do it with loving intention. That will smooth the way more than any communication technique possibly could.
it’s true that some people have a way of acting constantly needy. But, for most people the sooner and more often you talk about your sexual needs and desires, the better.
A couple’s ability to talk about sex is an indication of the emotional closeness of a relationship. It’s more important than how often you have sex.
Don’t wait until the relationship is seriously damaged and it is an extremely difficult or an almost impossible conversation.
In a long-term relationship, you have three choices. Let the sexual relationship die and keep living inside something hollow, sexless and without true closeness. Your second choice is to break up. Or, third, talk honestly with your partner about your needs and encourage them to talk about theirs so you can creatively collaborate in meeting them.
Those are the choices. Everyone faces them. You can choose consciously or choose by inaction. Which of these three will you choose?